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If television brought the Vietnam War into America's living rooms, the Internet unlocks the secret places where families grieve for lost loved ones.
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"Today we have been married four years. Can you believe it?" Jennifer Eggers of Euless wrote on a Web site to her husband, Kyle, who was killed in Iraq almost a year ago.

"It has now been 16 months since I have seen your face, your smile and that bubble butt we all love."

One can only wonder at the feelings that prompted this short, simple note: "I miss you," Sgt. Michael L. Boatright's father wrote to his son nine months after the Frisco soldier's death in Baghdad on Dec. 4.

On such Web sites as Legacy.com's "In Remembrance," mem.com, fallen heroesmemorial.com and others, strangers and friends alike offer condolences to the families of America's war dead. They send poems, reminisce about special times and, in some small way, share the loss.

But it's the other notes, from wives, children, brothers, sisters and parents, that brim with emotion - a few lines, hastily composed and sent.

"Chito, this past Friday would have been your birthday," an aunt typed to Sgt. Gerardo Moreno of Terrell, killed at age 23 on April 6, 2004, in Iraq. "I know you are in a much better place now.

"We will never forget you. Always remember how much your uncle and I will always love you."

In generations past, such thoughts as these might be buried in a journal or in a letter sent to just a few or, most often, held inside.

No restraints

"But there's something about the Net that allows people to say intimate things in new and deeper ways," said Michael Suman, research director at the Center for the Digital Future at the Annenberg School of Communication at the University of Southern California.

"You can just pour things out of yourself, put it on the screen and hit a button, and it's gone," he said. "People are less guarded."

The result is raw honesty, unfiltered by social constraints or editing. And it reveals the writers' pain.

"When we launched these 'guest books' on our site, we didn't know how they'd be used," said John Bikus, chief marketing and sales officer at Legacy.com.

The Web site compiles obituaries from 225 newspapers and posts that information online, with photos and guest books for Internet visitors.

"It turns out, it's an amazing tool. It's a community-building thing, allowing friends and family members to communicate with the family of the deceased," Mr. Bikus said of the free service.

"And some do use it to communicate with the deceased, especially a wife or a son or daughter, and usually on special occasions or for a special event.

"It makes the deceased seem still a part of the family."

For the survivor, that can be cathartic, said Dr. Karen Settle, director of the Counseling and Testing Center at Southern Methodist University.

Processing feelings

"Often in the past, before we had the electronic age, people would write letters to the deceased about things they'd like to say to them or wish they had said," Dr. Settle said. "Sometimes that helps you get in touch with your own thoughts.

"It's also a way to acknowledge and not just deny that these thoughts are in your head, that these feelings are there. It's a way to process them and give them order.

"And it lets you get your feelings out there and let them go for a while."

Ms. Eggers said she's touched by the support she finds on the memorial sites.

"It's nice to see that people from the Dallas area and elsewhere understand the sacrifice someone makes in giving their life for their country," she said.

"I've printed out a lot of it for the boys, because they're so young now. Someday they'll be able to read about all the things their dad did."

Being able to post her feelings provides an outlet, too.

"It's nice to be able to do something other than just talk out loud," Ms. Eggers said. "And I'm keeping a journal of the things I'd like to tell him at the end of the day."

Moved to write

Grieving isn't a constant process, Dr. Settle said. It comes in waves, sparked by a mood, memory or special occasion.

For Melissa Gibbs, whose husband, Sgt. 1st Class Todd C. Gibbs of Lufkin, was killed in Iraq on Dec. 7, it was their son's second birthday.

"It's Aug. 28 at 8:39 a.m. That's the time our sweet baby boy came into the world," she wrote. "I remember that day like it was yesterday.

"You never left my side; you were so sweet. I will never forget the tears of joy that you cried when Zack was born. ... I wish you could be here today to see this sweet angel.

"If I could have one wish, I would wish for Zack to grow up to be a wonderful man just like his daddy."

For others, parents in particular, a message can be prompted by the thought of a loved one in pain, in fear or alone, and they try to provide words of comfort as they always did.

"I love you, my little snuggles," Charlene Sauseda of Denton wrote to her son, Army Spc. Ernest W. Dallas, who died July 24 in Iraq. "Be safe and have sweet dreams.

"Love you so much."

"I know you are with us each day. We may not see you, but we feel your footprints on our heart."

Copyright © 2005. Dallas Morning News.