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Memorial Web sites help those left behind deal with their grief

When AnnMarie Onorato's best friend, New York City firefighter Joey Agnello, died in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, part of her world shattered.
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She grew up with Agnello in Brooklyn, N.Y., but later moved to Scottsdale - far from the rocky shore of Manhattan Beach, where Agnello always told her to toss away her worries.

Now to reach out to him, she turns to her computer. advertisement "I can't go see your grave, I can't go to where the towers stood, I am 3,000 miles away and this, my dreams, and memories is all I have left," Onorato, 36, wrote recently in Agnello's online guest book.

Since his death, more than 100 guest-book messages have been left for Agnello on Legacy.com, the largest online memorial Web site. The company powers the online obituaries of 245 newspapers, including The Arizona Republic.

The Internet has pushed the grieving process into the 21st century. The shared remembrances continue long after the funeral service.

The Web memorial has been an emotional lifesaver for Onorato and others who seek to maintain a connection with a deceased loved one.

She logs on to tell Agnello of a new tattoo she has had done of the twin towers and the Brooklyn Bridge, to reminisce about their childhood or just to say she misses him.

"I know as I'm writing he can see and hear my words so it's like he never left," Onorato said. "Being on the Internet feels good to me because I like to write."

She has extended Agnello's memorial to MySpace.com, where people can create a personal page that hosts journal entries, photos, audio and video. She has posted photos of her tattoo and an image of Agnello's uniform badge.

Timeless comfort

In 2005, more than 4 million people posted entries on the Evanston, Ill.-based Legacy.com, double the number from the previous year.

The growing response shows that people are more comfortable sharing emotions online in a public forum, said John Bikus, chief marketing and sales officer of the Web site.

"Friends or extended family may not be able to make the funeral, but they can still leave thoughts and memories," he said. "Our main goal is to use technology to help celebrate people's lives. "

Last March, the company launched "In Remembrance," a free section to honor American soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq. (All other guest books require a one-time $79 fee to stay online forever.)

The site devotes an individual page to each service member, with photos, a permanent guest book and biography.

One of the fallen soldiers is Jacqueline Mikkelson's son, Lance Cpl. Michael Halal, 22, who was killed Sept. 13, 2004, in Iraq.

"Sometimes I'll wake up at 3 in the morning missing him so much," said Mikkelson, of Glendale. "I need to talk to him somehow."

So she signs on to Legacy.com.

"Mornings are so hard and I struggle because I would do anything to pick up the phone and call you just to hear your voice," she typed in Michael's guest book last November.

Mikkelson writes to her son about how his sister, Jessica, is doing, what the family did to celebrate Michael's birthday and, most often, to say she loves him.

Like many who have lost someone, Mikkelson has good days and bad ones. One thing that pulls her through the bad ones is reading messages left by other military moms and families.

"It's good to know so many people love Michael and think about him," she said. "It's very reassuring."

She needs the support, she said.

"My son wants me to continue living life," she said. "I let him know through the Web site that I'm doing the best I can."

Cathartic messages

Online memorials can be therapeutic for those who have lost a loved one, said John Suler, a psychology professor at Rider University in Lawrenceville, N.J.

"Part of the grieving process is being able to maintain a connection to the person who is gone," said Suler, who researches the psychology of cyberspace. "The Internet has opened up a whole new way to do that."

Like Mikkelson, Cami and Jeffrey King of Phoenix continue to cherish the outpouring of community support generated by the entries.

On Nov. 23, the Kings' 8-year-old daughter, Jaydie, died of a brain tumor.

Condolences poured in to Jaydie's Legacy.com guest book from many who followed her difficult journey on her Web site, jaydielynnking.com.

The site, maintained by her parents, includes information about Team Jaydie, a group the girl started to raise awareness about pediatric cancer.

"When you lose a child, it's like a whole part of you is gone," Cami King said. "Reading words from her friends and other parents who have lost children and relating to their hope is really special."

One Phoenix woman wrote, "I know you are very blessed. Everyone that meets this family is shown a strength that we can admire and hope to live out ourselves."

Whether typed by relatives or strangers, each message reassures the Kings that Jaydie will always be in their thoughts.

"I read the entries on her guest book all the time, and it helps me make it through another day," Cami said. "Years go on and people move on, but I don't ever want Jaydie to be forgotten."

Copyright © 2006. The Arizona Republic.